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James 1:2-8 ERV

My brothers and sisters, you will have many kinds of trouble. But this gives you a reason to be very happy. You know that when your faith is tested, you learn to be patient in suffering. If you let that patience work in you, the end result will be good. You will be mature and complete. You will be all that God wants you to be.   Do any of you need wisdom? Ask God for it. He is generous and enjoys giving to everyone. So he will give you wisdom. But when you ask God, you must believe. Don’t doubt him. Whoever doubts is like a wave in the sea that is blown up and down by the wind. People like that are thinking two different things at the same time. They can never decide what to do. So they should not think they will receive anything from the Lord.

Peace & Love:: NO Haters allowed

Lord this is my Prayer

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Lord I want more of you, I draw you near and i want everything i do to please you. I want to be a shining light of your love in the dark and fallen world. Reveal to me what you want me to do for you lord. I give my life over to you and ask that you Break me of any stronghold that i haven’t had the courage to let go shattering any chains that keep me from you, Mold me into the God fearing princess that you Lord designed me to be, Use me Lord, Use me.
Lord i need you MORE, Your presence is life to me!
Its the Air that i breathe, I need you more everyday, i need more of your Spirit everyday!!

Use my story lord to help othes, to influnce others, to give other girls like and not alike HOPE when all feels lost, Let them lay in your promises just as i have when I felt Useless, Tired, ALONE, Depressed, Angry and UN-WORTHY of your love and grace!

Give them the hope that there is more than just these all so similar emotions.

MATTHEW 19:26 (NIV) says:::  Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Your are LOVE lord, You are my Jehovah Rophi, You are my healer and you have healed me from my past.

All my bitterness is gone, I’m slowly making amends with all that i have wronged. Everyday that goes by i celebrate in thanksgiving and take notice to all the blessings you give me. I’m loving my life more and more as the seconds tick on by.

Still my mind lord so i can bask in you beautiful perfume, and i can be happy, secure, and safe in your loving arms.

I delcare i never will go back to my OLD ways, I will try my hardest to not feed into what Satan wants, I never ever want to feel empty like i did again.
FILL ME UP LORD, FILL ME UP!!
SET MY HEART ON FIRE

I give you all of me, all of me. I want only you.

You are my the only lover i know, You have cleansed me of all my sins

Released me of my anger and resentment towards my fellow sisters and brothers that have wronged me, I forgive them just as you have me for they did not know what they were doing, Lord let hearts be renewed.

Thank you Lord for the cross, Thank you Jesus for the blood that was shed on the cross that has covered the multitude of sins i have committed.
Thank you for making me NEW

Thank you for my family (although dysfunctional)

Thank you for my crazy bold friends that hold me accountable and only want the best for me!

Thank you for my Mother who carried me in her womb and nourished me with her own body, she means so much to me and inspires me daily .

Thank you Lord for my Earthly Fathers, Both of them have played a big part in my life, one because he wasnt there and the other because he took me in as his own.
Both have denied me but i have come to forgive them and welcome them with open arms just as you do!

Thank You Lord for never giving up on me, abandoning me and even when i denied you reaching out you’re all forgiving arms until i could feel your presence. you stripped me of everything only to depend on you, for that i’m THANKFUL!

Thank you for your Peace, Forgiveness and the Church.

All three have helped me to be Saved through you!

Thank you for your Spirit Lord.
But right now i’m most grateful that you have broken me free from the shackles of my addictions!

–Amen–

Baby Steps my Dear!

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Just a little something something from one of my current reads “The Last Addiction”

In our last stand we are all addicted to our own will, our own self, our own ability, and our own pursuit of control. We cannot set ourselves free, We must be set free. Learning what we are responsible for is the key in the journey of addiction and redemption! Whatever we are ultimately concerned with is God for us. This could be Food, Drugs, Bad habits, Loving to much (co-dependence), Anxiety, fear, loneliness ANYTHING!! Btw these are all examples that i have either overcome or and working on!!

Food for thought!!

–The gospel of mark:: What good it would do to get everything  you want but to lose you, the Real you?? What could you ever trade your soul for??

 

The Closer

Just a word of advice, and a lesson i learned in my short little life!! remember you are who you surround yourself with!! When you are with with good, healthy, god fearing people you will in turn start producing good beautiful fruit that is sweet and pleases our lord. But hang out with that bad crowd and you start conforming to the world. What happens then is any good fruit you have turns sour, bitter and after awhile not only will your life rot away, but any fruit you produced by being obedient will begin to rot as well. This is not pleasing to our lord. He gives us the choice in everything we do, its called free will, and its amazing how much he loves us (even after we constantly disobey his laws) could you imagine if you had no choice at all?? Its amazes me just how generous, and that loving he is to us. He only wants the best for you, he doesn’t make bad things happen but instead lets you make the choice to let them effect you in a negative way. YOU have to make the right choices and sometimes that is to cut the BAD branches off so you can start producing again!! 

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— Praying for all the people in my town that don’t like me tonight & pissing off Satan!! I have a Big day tomorrow!! I know that’s why Satan is so mad!! Bring it buddy i can handle it all i have the Big guy on my side, His name is God!

Why is Life so Stinking Hard?

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Seriously why has my life been  so HARD?

I feel so up and down with my emotions all the time.   One minute I’m HAPPY and then next I’m SAD, DEPRESSED and crying in the corner.    One day i want to be in this relationship and then the next I’m telling him to pack his shit and leave.   I feel like i don’t even know myself anymore much less what i want with my life.

I HAVE LOST MY SELF,  I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO IDENTITY,  I FEEL SO LOST!!!

I have forgotten about my passions and stopped pursuing my dreams  that i KNOW I CAN ACCOMPLISH.   I have stopped doing things that i enjoy , i don’t have many friends (that live near or understand) , I haven’t been out without my daughter for almost a year, A YEAR, I need some ME TIME!!   I have forgotten the things that i use to enjoy once upon a time ago, and I’m to afraid to pursue them because I’m to scared to tell jon i want  MORE for my life.   I’m terrified of what Jon might say, think or do.  What if he thinks I’m stupid, dumb, or crazy for wanting so much for my life.  We argue about just about everything, anything, stupid things, petty things, I’m sick of these pointless arguments.

I feel like I’m drowning, gasping for air as I’m being pushed further to the bottom, anytime & every time i need or want to talk to him.

Why must we bring up our past?

Why can’t we TRULY forgive  and forget, not to mention it again? Read the rest of this entry

From Lies to Compromise

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Hello Bloggy Friends
I must say its much harder than I thought It would have been to press that Publish button. I received some great feedback from friends and even a few likes from my fellow Bloggers.

It’s crazy to see that people all over the world are reading my story, MY BLOG!!

But I must admit it feels AWESOME to get my feelings out and to get good response.

Lets play catch up.

Last-night I was filled with so many emotions as i made the decision to start this blog and actually follow through with it. At times i felt Anxiety, Fear, Sadness, Happiness and Hope, the Hope of knowing it will set me free! I can’t believe i already have almost 120 views on just one blog post, Craziness.

Chugga Chugga Choo Chooo, Lets get back on track now!

Jon made a fire in our fire-pit that we made together as a family with bricks we found on property. i must say i’m totally bonfire’d out and sick of smelling like a burning fire! For-goodness sake we have had one every weekend since we built it lol.  But its worth it. This stupid little fire pit has brought us closer together. Not only as a Family but also as a couple.  watching my beautiful princess roast marshmallows by the fire as we sit around it as a family. It brings me joy to see us get along and it fills my heart with happiness. So why must i give him a hard time when he wants to start one?

Must i remind you I HATE the smell of Smoke.

It makes no sense at all,  i know i don’t want to smell like smoke but why take something away that brings so much joy to him & my daughter, especially when most times i end up enjoying it myself!

I have learned a hard lesson these last few weeks. One very hard to swallow.

I’m a Super Mega BITCH!!

Like seriously I Am.

i mean i have been called this on more than one occasion  actually more than i can count. i usually reply with something snide like “i know” or “oh and you aren’t”

But I’m seriously a huge Bitch, when i don’t get my way (which is often)

I will whine, cry, argue my point, yell and just plain throw a hissy fit.

i get so upset when i don’t get my way, i get offensive and i shut down when I’m made to do something that i don’t wanna do or something i know think i wont enjoy.

This obnoxious attitude has gotten me nowhere in life, It has me back from so much joy i could have in my life.

So the Lesson here is COMPROMISE!!   I’m trying really hard to enjoy things i don’t enjoy.

You may ask me WHY???

Jon and I are both sooooo different. We like different music, enjoy different outings, food, tv shows. Well lets just say that in our case opposites DID in fact attract.  Our relationship has been in shambles for the past 4 years because neither of us enjoy the same things each other wants to do, and we RARELY COMMUNICATE this to each-other  truly i don’t know which is worse?   We will usually tough it out making both of miserable And then we get home and of course FIGHT, its Horrible!

Why do we do this to each-other?

Why do we tear each-other apart with our words?

Why can’t we at least try to enjoy each-other for who we are?

How can i criticize and put down the one that i care for so much?

How can i tell him he is a loser and a failure?

Who am i to point out his faults, when i have so many of my own?

why do i carry so much anger & hate, and then in turn take it out on the very people that LOVE me?

How can i say these things when ME of all people know that after a while you start to believe all the lies you are told, How?

The way i have been acting is not only selfish but its hateful, the very opposite of what i know i am!

i have always told myself I would never be “that” person. but this is who i have sadly became.   I’M NO LONGER THAT GIRL

For the last few months I have been trying my hardest to see the light through this darkness.  To look at the positive instead of negative  To find the beauty from all my pain.  if i weren’t to have this new found attitude about my life i will continue to be miserable, unhappy and depressed.  No amount of anti-depression pills can cure this illness i have. I have to be strong enough to overcome this and have the willpower to hope know I CAN DO THIS!

I’m not saying it will be easy, Actually it has been Hard as HELL. One of the hardest things i have done in my life. getting off my high horse has felt more like i was free-falling from the highest of highest skyscrapers.

At times i feel small & shattered but i will continue to swallow my pride and push forward. After all the world does not in any way revolve around me, myself & my lies.

It’s not pleasing to My Lord to have this “I’m to good for you attitude”.
It’s not good to think I have the right to judge someone without knowing them or finding out their story.

Truthfully I think that’s one of the biggest problems in my relationships, and its most likely why they often fail, diminish and eventually disappear like they ever existed.

I never get to know the Real them! I Never listen to their story, I never even ASK!

i often judge a book by its cover. Why do i act like this?  I have no one I’m my life if i were treated the way i treat people.

For heavens sake my cover is TORN, BRITTLE and UGLY!

I’m very good at hiding my cover. It has a pretty little protector that looks nice and clean, only if you where to look deeper Iam I was a very ugly person.

This is something I have always defined myself as. i know I’m not ugly but my perspective is in fact very ugly.

That old me is NO MORE! I’m restoring this old, used book.  I’m cleaning up every page one by one. I’m handling My Life “My book” with kid gloves, making sure not to tear or smudge any of the beauty you can find behind the cover.

As you can see alot of my life is full of lies. Some of you have seen this side of  me and for that I say I’m sorry, so sorry… words can not explain how sorry I’m for putting you all through what i have when all you did was care  about my well-being.

But  we all make mistakes.  The the good thing is we can ride up from our falls and failures.

The Bible tells us our path is already designed. Its OUR decisions and choices that define our destiny   I have made some BAD decisions , Some Hateful decisions and some Detrimental  decisions, that in turn have made me lose some amazing friends and yes even family.

Everyday its a struggle for me to make the right decision, to make the good decision, to make the hard decision of doing thing i don’t  want to do, its VERY Hard not listening to my own will, and to instead follow Gods will.  But I’m a big girl, So I’m putting on my training pants and making the decision to think before i act, Think before I talk and Love before I Hate.

I’m  slowly learning to Love  people for their faults. Not because it only right, but because I have missed so much by not loving life for what it is. My life may feel HARD,  UGLY  and at times POINTLESS, But i know I’m a GREAT person, A Loving Person. I know I am a Wonderful Mother,  Aunt,  Daughter, Sister , Friend and Spouse.  I just need to remember these things  and keep telling myself these things, I need to let  those attributes DEFINE ME not  MY LIES!!!

–Okay that’s all for now folks, Thank you so much for  listening.–

Stay tuned to learn more about Me Myself & my Lies!!

Leave me comments to let me know what you think, please no negative ones (although i have prepared myself)!!

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❤ Diana